My friend uploaded pictures of the FG Choir and our Theater Arts Guild in high school.Thank you so much,Nichie Balaga Taggart!Looking at the pictures sends me into a nostalgic drift. Had my mama allowed me to pursue my admission to the Psychology,&Music programs in UPD I would have most probably opted to take up music and theater acting, and who might have known, I might have had the courage to pursue my passion--stage acting!
But I guess, I am really meant to embrace psychology. I had first took and passed in the qualifying exam for the BS Zoology program in MSU but changed my mind at the very last minute and thought about pursuing political science, but ended up taking the qualifying exam for the Psychology program! After all, I have made up my mind when I was in grade six that I will become like Dr. Maxwell Maltz, the author of the book my Mama gave me to help me...Power Psycho-Cybernetics. His book helped me understand that I was not living a normal life and that by experiencing it myself, I can understand better kids who are like me.Taas ayo ako mission sa una but when I took up psychology, I realized that understanding oneself is the hardest thing to do! But anyway, with Dr. Maltz's book, I learned how to look into the eyes of people, managed to carry casual conversations, and most importantly, to smile! Smiling was a struggle for me before...only my Papa could make me laugh way back then. Cracking a joke was next to impossible. But in MSU, with Maltz's book and of course God's miracles I've faced my dragons and slain some of my monsters! Maybe I was challenged too when my Mama told me I can't go to UP Diliman because I'm too shy and sickly to survive there. Da, gikulbaan hinoa ug samot ako Mama pag bargain nko na sige, sa Marawi nalang ko kay naa ra sa Mindanao. I wanted to go somewhere far, where nobody knows me. I got tired of living under the shadows of my Mama. Whenever people would see me, they'd always recognize me to be my Mama's daughter and then they would expect me to be just like her, but I wasn't. She has this overwhelming image and reputation in the schools I attended. She was known to be confident and intellectually outstanding! I was not confident and I never wanted to talk about intellectual abilities. I just wanted to learn but never be compared. And though they would say liwat ko sa akong Mama except that I am too shy, I never wanted to be compared to her. I knew I was a different person, apart from her although I wanted to be changed – to be sociable. The best place to work on with my transformation is somewhere far, where I can build my own name and image. By God's grace, somehow I made it. In MSU, I am called and identified by my name: Mary Jhunitz (although my name is simply a combination of my parents' names, but at least I am Jhunitz, and not just the daughter of Jhun and Nitz). It felt good! And though it was never as I had always thought, that I only get to hold responsibilities in school because of my Mama’s reputation, I had the courage to face those who doubted my abilities back at home…that I deserved the recognition and trust that were bestowed on me by most people. :D
Somehow, the thought of what my life would have been had I not pursued Psychology still crosses my mind. But I have never doubted the truth that I have always believed that I am on the right track. With this field, I found the courage and the ability to look at my struggles in the eye! I understood my childhood depression and suicidal tendency in my Physiological, and Clinical Psychology classes…that my suicidal ideation and later, attempts were due to my depression brought about by my medications for my bronchopneumonia and other complications. I have come to appreciate the thing that my Mama was telling me that I miraculously survived considering my weak immune system and to be relatively mentally normal despite all the medications I had since birth until I was six. My Mama and Papa had to make a decision when my Pediatrician told them they can choose to either let me go or let me have my medications with a 95% risk of impairing my mental ability, that is, I’d be mentally retarded. But Mama declared that the Holy Infant will always keep me safe and decided to let me have the medications. Somehow, my mental capacity remained relatively normal but I was struggling with my emotions (not to mention my emotional Zodiac sign…hahaha). Psychology helped me through it… It’s God’s way of helping me deal with this lifetime’s challenge! And miraculously, I have dealt with my suicidal tendency without any medical interventions…only faith and determination! Someday, I hope to inspire other suicidal individuals to believe that they too can overcome it. It wasn’t easy, the emptiness was so overwhelming and death was so inviting…especially on tough times, with just my best friend to lean on even when he himself could not understand why I was feeling that way…but spirituality, and the will to overcome what you love the most (death=deliverance) and embrace that, which scares you (life=suffering) makes the impossible probable (living=freedom)! :D
Looking back, I would not change a thing… I needed to fall, so I could stand stronger. I had to be broken down into pieces so I would long to be whole and appreciate the journey to wholeness as each missing piece is put into its proper place one at a time. Everything works for good to those who believe! But even my faith has been tested by reason and science but God held me closer to Him with each step I took away from Him. He is simply stubborn and He believes in me! And so I have faith that everything I went through plays a very important role in His great plan for me and the lives of the people I’ll come in contact with. I will never stop making mistakes because I never want to stop learning from them. I am not perfect, not even close, and so I am trying to be a little considerate of myself. That’s the only way I would be able to recognize how I was wrong, only then can I start learning from my mistakes. :-) ...and if being right here is another mistake, then this must be the most right kind of wrong I have ever done in my entire life! haha
No comments:
Post a Comment