The road to redemption is long and toiling.My soul has gone weary,my heart weak.The wings that lifted me up had betrayed me.With broken and torn wings I tried to rise above the storm...over and over.Defeat and death were right before my eyes.My silent screams and dry tears had remained concealed.I just can't show it...but I was hoping that a friend would see beyond the aura of control and freedom!
I was in bondage of my own prison...I was behind bars that robbed me of my freedom.I was in chains of blissful misery.The fear of breaking free was too unbearable.I WAS AFRAID OF FREEDOM...I was not ready to take the burden of freedom...freedom would mean losing the meaning of my surrender!
But I had been here before.And I should have known I needed to embrace my shadow...the destroyer of my sanity.I have plunged into the dark side of my own humanity before but I know there's so much more of the unknown.I am lamed by my fears.Fear that I might never come out of the pitch.But I know myself somehow.The delay doesn't mean I won't take the jump.
All I needed was a greater fear...a fear that is far more terrifying than my fear of losing meaning.Existing in two worlds,my inner phantom and my objective pilgrimage, half-hearted was never appealing.I needed to be whole...then the fear of giving up on my search for deeper meaning revelled with my fear of losing what I had previously found.
Then I broke into tears.Shed off my torn wings.Gave up my heart.Set my soul free.I let the fires devour the very essence of me until there was nothing left of me but ashes.The flames were fierce but by allowing myself to be burnt its blazing strength had become part of each and every particle of the ashes I've left.By losing everything,I have been redeemed.
The Phoenix has resurrected!
October 19, 2010
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Silent Screams
All the pain in me is incomparable to the emptiness I feel.
The silent cries that sent out soundless sobs
had let me shed tears that made me blind.
My spirit has gone weaker as I fake a smile
and the void grows overwhelming as I try to fight.
I clamor in secret, my suffering unknown
although I have fervently hoped that someone would hear
what I could not reveal!
But everybody is deaf, and everybody is blind
and so my silent screams remain eternally unheard
and burried in this dungeon inside.
My Confessions/Archives
Phantom Pilgrim
7 Aug 2008
The silent cries that sent out soundless sobs
had let me shed tears that made me blind.
My spirit has gone weaker as I fake a smile
and the void grows overwhelming as I try to fight.
I clamor in secret, my suffering unknown
although I have fervently hoped that someone would hear
what I could not reveal!
But everybody is deaf, and everybody is blind
and so my silent screams remain eternally unheard
and burried in this dungeon inside.
My Confessions/Archives
Phantom Pilgrim
7 Aug 2008
The Art of War
Sun Tzu said, all wars are based on deception. If life is a war of wits, then one must ironically reveal how weak he can be to win the fight. Through, which one would give the illusion to his opponents that he can be underestimated. And when the enemy strikes, one would know the strategies by which these people fight their battles...and it is by knowing one's enemies that one wins.One cannot fight what is unknown to him. It is always better to allow people to underestimate your capacity for when you reveal your real strength, it is then that you become vulnerable. When your opponents think less of you,you'll catch them off-guarded and when you strike back you will have greater chances of having them defeated.
But nobody really wins in wars. The real victor is s/he who found the way to prevent wars.
Reflections,
Phantom Pilgrim
23 November 2010
But nobody really wins in wars. The real victor is s/he who found the way to prevent wars.
Reflections,
Phantom Pilgrim
23 November 2010
SOMEONE
October 17 at 11:23pm
I need someone who shares the deepest desires of my heart…
Someone who could share the couch with me on a lazy afternoon watching movies or singing along with our favorite songs, and would never hold back his tears when moved by the movie scenes or the mundane truths depicted in the movie lines...
Someone who would not ask why my music collection genre is so varied...tribal (celtic, ska, lumad, gnawa, chibumenga, fuji, apala), folk and country, classic, ballad, R n' B, Slow Rock, Pinoy Bato to symphonic metal...
And did I mention, someone who won't be irritated when I'd pause the dvd player to jot down the tag lines in the movie?
Someone who would love and crave for my recipes and beg me to cook or bake for him,
Someone who loves kids more than beer,
Someone who can kneel and pray with me,
Someone who would understand that I don't like parties,
Someone who's willing to embrace the fact that I can't sleep well without my mosquito net covering my feet,
Someone who would understand that I need to be constantly assured that he loves me,
Someone who would love to laugh and bathe in the rain with me,
Someone who would understand why I believe in Soulmates and reincarnations,
Someone who would miss me when I'm not around,
Someone who would want me to love him and teach me how to love him,
Someone patient enough to understand that I have never been a man and that I need him to tell me and show me kindly how he wants me to love him...
Someone whom I could converse with about politics, war, policy-making, human behavior, astronomy, astrology, children and babies, business, Queen Seon Deok, Sun Tzu, Paulo Coelho, Viktor Frankl, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Friedrich Nietzche, Aristotle, Jesus, Gaia, Zeus, Hera, Sakura, Sakuragi, Rokawa, Hotohori, Tamahome, Nakago,Mamuro,etc,
Someone who would forgive me whenever I'd spend time reading about ancient and lost civilizations,
Someone who would not think I'm crazy with my fascination in the possibilities of time travel, whiteholes, and wormholes,
Someone who may laugh but not ignore my ideas that astrology can be supported by astrophysics,
Someone who would love the beauty of nature as much as I do,
Someone who would share to me his thoughts,
Someone who would be willing to share an email address with me,
Someone who would not be offended and be defensive when I happen to take hold of his mobile phone,
Someone who knows what he wants and would allow me to be part, even in the background, of how he plans to get it,
Someone who will not see me as a rival but rather a partner, a supporter, a source of extra strength, a well of unconditional love,
Someone who would love to spend the weekends with me and our kids,
Someone who can make me laugh, and would laugh at my humorous sense,
Someone who can sit beside me stargazing without a word and without getting bored,
Someone who could watch the sunrise or sunset with me with a cup of vanilla or mocha frapuccino,
Someone who's a bit like me, a cracked pot...sa Bisaya pa, LIKI. =)
And someone who would enjoy hanging out at National Book Stores for a free reading.Ü
Someone who can see things beyond the conventional... I would say, I often fall first for a man's ideas, ideals and talents before I get attracted to him physically...
Hahaaay...naa pa kahay buhing binuhat na ingon niani karon? Hinaut pa unta nga naa pa! =)
This someone should better be my Soulmate. Only my Soulmate can understand this complex simplicity in me...
♥ mjyl ♥
I need someone who shares the deepest desires of my heart…
Someone who could share the couch with me on a lazy afternoon watching movies or singing along with our favorite songs, and would never hold back his tears when moved by the movie scenes or the mundane truths depicted in the movie lines...
Someone who would not ask why my music collection genre is so varied...tribal (celtic, ska, lumad, gnawa, chibumenga, fuji, apala), folk and country, classic, ballad, R n' B, Slow Rock, Pinoy Bato to symphonic metal...
And did I mention, someone who won't be irritated when I'd pause the dvd player to jot down the tag lines in the movie?
Someone who would love and crave for my recipes and beg me to cook or bake for him,
Someone who loves kids more than beer,
Someone who can kneel and pray with me,
Someone who would understand that I don't like parties,
Someone who's willing to embrace the fact that I can't sleep well without my mosquito net covering my feet,
Someone who would understand that I need to be constantly assured that he loves me,
Someone who would love to laugh and bathe in the rain with me,
Someone who would understand why I believe in Soulmates and reincarnations,
Someone who would miss me when I'm not around,
Someone who would want me to love him and teach me how to love him,
Someone patient enough to understand that I have never been a man and that I need him to tell me and show me kindly how he wants me to love him...
Someone whom I could converse with about politics, war, policy-making, human behavior, astronomy, astrology, children and babies, business, Queen Seon Deok, Sun Tzu, Paulo Coelho, Viktor Frankl, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Friedrich Nietzche, Aristotle, Jesus, Gaia, Zeus, Hera, Sakura, Sakuragi, Rokawa, Hotohori, Tamahome, Nakago,Mamuro,etc,
Someone who would forgive me whenever I'd spend time reading about ancient and lost civilizations,
Someone who would not think I'm crazy with my fascination in the possibilities of time travel, whiteholes, and wormholes,
Someone who may laugh but not ignore my ideas that astrology can be supported by astrophysics,
Someone who would love the beauty of nature as much as I do,
Someone who would share to me his thoughts,
Someone who would be willing to share an email address with me,
Someone who would not be offended and be defensive when I happen to take hold of his mobile phone,
Someone who knows what he wants and would allow me to be part, even in the background, of how he plans to get it,
Someone who will not see me as a rival but rather a partner, a supporter, a source of extra strength, a well of unconditional love,
Someone who would love to spend the weekends with me and our kids,
Someone who can make me laugh, and would laugh at my humorous sense,
Someone who can sit beside me stargazing without a word and without getting bored,
Someone who could watch the sunrise or sunset with me with a cup of vanilla or mocha frapuccino,
Someone who's a bit like me, a cracked pot...sa Bisaya pa, LIKI. =)
And someone who would enjoy hanging out at National Book Stores for a free reading.Ü
Someone who can see things beyond the conventional... I would say, I often fall first for a man's ideas, ideals and talents before I get attracted to him physically...
Hahaaay...naa pa kahay buhing binuhat na ingon niani karon? Hinaut pa unta nga naa pa! =)
This someone should better be my Soulmate. Only my Soulmate can understand this complex simplicity in me...
♥ mjyl ♥
Travelling Back in Time
My friend uploaded pictures of the FG Choir and our Theater Arts Guild in high school.Thank you so much,Nichie Balaga Taggart!Looking at the pictures sends me into a nostalgic drift. Had my mama allowed me to pursue my admission to the Psychology,&Music programs in UPD I would have most probably opted to take up music and theater acting, and who might have known, I might have had the courage to pursue my passion--stage acting!
But I guess, I am really meant to embrace psychology. I had first took and passed in the qualifying exam for the BS Zoology program in MSU but changed my mind at the very last minute and thought about pursuing political science, but ended up taking the qualifying exam for the Psychology program! After all, I have made up my mind when I was in grade six that I will become like Dr. Maxwell Maltz, the author of the book my Mama gave me to help me...Power Psycho-Cybernetics. His book helped me understand that I was not living a normal life and that by experiencing it myself, I can understand better kids who are like me.Taas ayo ako mission sa una but when I took up psychology, I realized that understanding oneself is the hardest thing to do! But anyway, with Dr. Maltz's book, I learned how to look into the eyes of people, managed to carry casual conversations, and most importantly, to smile! Smiling was a struggle for me before...only my Papa could make me laugh way back then. Cracking a joke was next to impossible. But in MSU, with Maltz's book and of course God's miracles I've faced my dragons and slain some of my monsters! Maybe I was challenged too when my Mama told me I can't go to UP Diliman because I'm too shy and sickly to survive there. Da, gikulbaan hinoa ug samot ako Mama pag bargain nko na sige, sa Marawi nalang ko kay naa ra sa Mindanao. I wanted to go somewhere far, where nobody knows me. I got tired of living under the shadows of my Mama. Whenever people would see me, they'd always recognize me to be my Mama's daughter and then they would expect me to be just like her, but I wasn't. She has this overwhelming image and reputation in the schools I attended. She was known to be confident and intellectually outstanding! I was not confident and I never wanted to talk about intellectual abilities. I just wanted to learn but never be compared. And though they would say liwat ko sa akong Mama except that I am too shy, I never wanted to be compared to her. I knew I was a different person, apart from her although I wanted to be changed – to be sociable. The best place to work on with my transformation is somewhere far, where I can build my own name and image. By God's grace, somehow I made it. In MSU, I am called and identified by my name: Mary Jhunitz (although my name is simply a combination of my parents' names, but at least I am Jhunitz, and not just the daughter of Jhun and Nitz). It felt good! And though it was never as I had always thought, that I only get to hold responsibilities in school because of my Mama’s reputation, I had the courage to face those who doubted my abilities back at home…that I deserved the recognition and trust that were bestowed on me by most people. :D
Somehow, the thought of what my life would have been had I not pursued Psychology still crosses my mind. But I have never doubted the truth that I have always believed that I am on the right track. With this field, I found the courage and the ability to look at my struggles in the eye! I understood my childhood depression and suicidal tendency in my Physiological, and Clinical Psychology classes…that my suicidal ideation and later, attempts were due to my depression brought about by my medications for my bronchopneumonia and other complications. I have come to appreciate the thing that my Mama was telling me that I miraculously survived considering my weak immune system and to be relatively mentally normal despite all the medications I had since birth until I was six. My Mama and Papa had to make a decision when my Pediatrician told them they can choose to either let me go or let me have my medications with a 95% risk of impairing my mental ability, that is, I’d be mentally retarded. But Mama declared that the Holy Infant will always keep me safe and decided to let me have the medications. Somehow, my mental capacity remained relatively normal but I was struggling with my emotions (not to mention my emotional Zodiac sign…hahaha). Psychology helped me through it… It’s God’s way of helping me deal with this lifetime’s challenge! And miraculously, I have dealt with my suicidal tendency without any medical interventions…only faith and determination! Someday, I hope to inspire other suicidal individuals to believe that they too can overcome it. It wasn’t easy, the emptiness was so overwhelming and death was so inviting…especially on tough times, with just my best friend to lean on even when he himself could not understand why I was feeling that way…but spirituality, and the will to overcome what you love the most (death=deliverance) and embrace that, which scares you (life=suffering) makes the impossible probable (living=freedom)! :D
Looking back, I would not change a thing… I needed to fall, so I could stand stronger. I had to be broken down into pieces so I would long to be whole and appreciate the journey to wholeness as each missing piece is put into its proper place one at a time. Everything works for good to those who believe! But even my faith has been tested by reason and science but God held me closer to Him with each step I took away from Him. He is simply stubborn and He believes in me! And so I have faith that everything I went through plays a very important role in His great plan for me and the lives of the people I’ll come in contact with. I will never stop making mistakes because I never want to stop learning from them. I am not perfect, not even close, and so I am trying to be a little considerate of myself. That’s the only way I would be able to recognize how I was wrong, only then can I start learning from my mistakes. :-) ...and if being right here is another mistake, then this must be the most right kind of wrong I have ever done in my entire life! haha
But I guess, I am really meant to embrace psychology. I had first took and passed in the qualifying exam for the BS Zoology program in MSU but changed my mind at the very last minute and thought about pursuing political science, but ended up taking the qualifying exam for the Psychology program! After all, I have made up my mind when I was in grade six that I will become like Dr. Maxwell Maltz, the author of the book my Mama gave me to help me...Power Psycho-Cybernetics. His book helped me understand that I was not living a normal life and that by experiencing it myself, I can understand better kids who are like me.Taas ayo ako mission sa una but when I took up psychology, I realized that understanding oneself is the hardest thing to do! But anyway, with Dr. Maltz's book, I learned how to look into the eyes of people, managed to carry casual conversations, and most importantly, to smile! Smiling was a struggle for me before...only my Papa could make me laugh way back then. Cracking a joke was next to impossible. But in MSU, with Maltz's book and of course God's miracles I've faced my dragons and slain some of my monsters! Maybe I was challenged too when my Mama told me I can't go to UP Diliman because I'm too shy and sickly to survive there. Da, gikulbaan hinoa ug samot ako Mama pag bargain nko na sige, sa Marawi nalang ko kay naa ra sa Mindanao. I wanted to go somewhere far, where nobody knows me. I got tired of living under the shadows of my Mama. Whenever people would see me, they'd always recognize me to be my Mama's daughter and then they would expect me to be just like her, but I wasn't. She has this overwhelming image and reputation in the schools I attended. She was known to be confident and intellectually outstanding! I was not confident and I never wanted to talk about intellectual abilities. I just wanted to learn but never be compared. And though they would say liwat ko sa akong Mama except that I am too shy, I never wanted to be compared to her. I knew I was a different person, apart from her although I wanted to be changed – to be sociable. The best place to work on with my transformation is somewhere far, where I can build my own name and image. By God's grace, somehow I made it. In MSU, I am called and identified by my name: Mary Jhunitz (although my name is simply a combination of my parents' names, but at least I am Jhunitz, and not just the daughter of Jhun and Nitz). It felt good! And though it was never as I had always thought, that I only get to hold responsibilities in school because of my Mama’s reputation, I had the courage to face those who doubted my abilities back at home…that I deserved the recognition and trust that were bestowed on me by most people. :D
Somehow, the thought of what my life would have been had I not pursued Psychology still crosses my mind. But I have never doubted the truth that I have always believed that I am on the right track. With this field, I found the courage and the ability to look at my struggles in the eye! I understood my childhood depression and suicidal tendency in my Physiological, and Clinical Psychology classes…that my suicidal ideation and later, attempts were due to my depression brought about by my medications for my bronchopneumonia and other complications. I have come to appreciate the thing that my Mama was telling me that I miraculously survived considering my weak immune system and to be relatively mentally normal despite all the medications I had since birth until I was six. My Mama and Papa had to make a decision when my Pediatrician told them they can choose to either let me go or let me have my medications with a 95% risk of impairing my mental ability, that is, I’d be mentally retarded. But Mama declared that the Holy Infant will always keep me safe and decided to let me have the medications. Somehow, my mental capacity remained relatively normal but I was struggling with my emotions (not to mention my emotional Zodiac sign…hahaha). Psychology helped me through it… It’s God’s way of helping me deal with this lifetime’s challenge! And miraculously, I have dealt with my suicidal tendency without any medical interventions…only faith and determination! Someday, I hope to inspire other suicidal individuals to believe that they too can overcome it. It wasn’t easy, the emptiness was so overwhelming and death was so inviting…especially on tough times, with just my best friend to lean on even when he himself could not understand why I was feeling that way…but spirituality, and the will to overcome what you love the most (death=deliverance) and embrace that, which scares you (life=suffering) makes the impossible probable (living=freedom)! :D
Looking back, I would not change a thing… I needed to fall, so I could stand stronger. I had to be broken down into pieces so I would long to be whole and appreciate the journey to wholeness as each missing piece is put into its proper place one at a time. Everything works for good to those who believe! But even my faith has been tested by reason and science but God held me closer to Him with each step I took away from Him. He is simply stubborn and He believes in me! And so I have faith that everything I went through plays a very important role in His great plan for me and the lives of the people I’ll come in contact with. I will never stop making mistakes because I never want to stop learning from them. I am not perfect, not even close, and so I am trying to be a little considerate of myself. That’s the only way I would be able to recognize how I was wrong, only then can I start learning from my mistakes. :-) ...and if being right here is another mistake, then this must be the most right kind of wrong I have ever done in my entire life! haha
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